Warning: Trigger – Personal – Miscarriage – If you are here to read fluff stuff about beauty and cute kids, then please skip this post as it does get personal, on a very sad time in my life.
As we are soon approaching mothers day, it brings me back to a time 5 years ago. Mothers day weekend I found out we were expecting our little Sweets. I was shocked, and overjoyed. This wasn’t my first pregnancy though. 6 months prior to this I also had found out I was expecting. Now this was a real shock. An unplanned baby. Due to a trip to Germany and a time change birth control mishap, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first little miracle. Although it was unplanned Greg and I had been married almost 2 years, and together for 7 yrs total. It was a welcomed, unexpected miracle. I personally, couldn’t be happier. No waiting for “is now the right time to start a family” conversations, it seemed God had it all worked out for us. We were ready to be parents. I remember being so anxious to tell my hubby. I went out and got a little outfit for our dog, and meticulously wrote out “I’m going to be a big sister” in fabric paint. I remember sitting in the parking lot of Walmart, going over in my head again, and again how I would tell him. I remember the look on his face when I did tell him. Complete shock, and the words “are you serious?” coming out of his mouth. In a matter of days I had planned out the next 18 years of our lives. The nursery colours, the stroller I wanted, the fact that I wanted to cloth diaper. I scoured the online shops looking for the first outfit to bring our baby home from the hospital in. A great friend of mine, who I worked with found out she was expecting a week later. We bonded and talked about how we would spend our year of maternity leave. 1 month later, we were celebrating Christmas with our family and we shared the news with my husbands side.
Unfortunately we never had the opportunity to share it with my side of the family. New Years Eve day, I woke up to bleeding. I went to work, thinking it was just spotting and it would go away. It didn’t, it only got worse. I had a terrible feeling. My hubby drove me to the hospital. Thankfully my mom was working, and saw me in the ER. I saw the nurse and explained my symptoms and started crying, that I knew I was losing the baby. My mom talked me through it, and the nurse reassured me that bleeding in pregnancy is normal, and since I had no cramping, it was a good sign. They both told me to be positive and calm down. I tried to calm down, but small cries still escaped my mouth every little bit, as I sat and waited for my ultrasound. That sinking feeling just couldn’t be shaken. I was finally called in and to my surprise I did get good news. My baby’s heart was beating, and I saw it there on the screen. There was still hope. That was what the ultrasound tech said to me. She also told me that the baby was measuring 2 weeks smaller, but at this stage of the pregnancy that could mean nothing, or something. I was 8 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I met with the doctor and he gave me a bit more information and then I was sent home to wait with another ultrasound scheduled for 1 week later. I still had hope, but deep down inside I felt like I was sent home to wait for my baby to die. I was supposed to be celebrating Christmas with my family the next day. I had my mom call everyone and tell them I was pregnant but also explain what was going on. I didn’t want to talk about it. My sister, who had gone through a twin miscarriage herself several years before, tried to talk to me about it, and I just broke down in tears. I was pretty fragile in that moment. I had an appointment with my doctor mid week, and had my HCG levels in my blood drawn. They were creeping up slowly but I knew from my research that wasn’t a good sign. I bled a lot more that night and I truly believe thats when the baby died. January 5th 2011. I had my ultrasound on January 7th. The ultrasound tech was quiet and after only a minute she simply asked “do I send the results to the ER doctor or your family doctor?” I knew in that moment that for sure the baby was gone. I waited for 3 hours in the hospital room, waiting for the doctor to come see me. The intense cramping starting within the first hour. I just wanted to go home at that point. I knew it was over. The doc came in and gave me a prescription. I called hubby and told him the news. He asked me if he should come, and I said no. I went to the pharmacy and waited for 20 minutes while they filled my prescription. The pain of contractions only getting worse. The pharmacist called me up and said, you are being prescribed these pills for a medical abortion. Ugh how I hate the medical terminology – nothing about me wanted to abort this baby. I just looked down, and said “it’s a miscarriage”. He finished explaining how to take them and what to expect. I drove home with tears in my eyes. Asking God why me? I got home and took those stupid pills, even though my body was already doing what needed to be done. I lay on the bed in agony, physical and emotional. I cried, and cried while hubby just held me, and played with my hair. He didn’t know what to say, and either did I. Men don’t get attached like women do so early on. Well I think thats the case in most situations anyways. Every 15 minutes or so I made a trip to the bathroom. There was so much blood. At one point I just knew that I had flushed that little of baby of mine down the toilet. Some people may call it tissue, but it was my baby.
I took a week off work, and in the weeks that followed I fell into a state of depression. I was angry, sad, frustrated, inconsolable at times. I hid it well from the rest of the world, but hubby knew the truth. I would sit in my room and cry, and try, and find comfort in Christian songs like “Praise you in this storm” and “Everything Falls”. Meanwhile everyone around me just started popping up pregnant. 3 girls I worked with (when you only work with 6 people thats a lot of pregnancy to be around) and another good friend. I tried so hard to be happy for them, but inside I was broken. I remember going home the night I found out one of my best friends was expecting. I hated myself for feeling upset when I should be joyous for her, but I just thought, that should be me. We tried for 4 months and all I could focus on was getting pregnant again. I was tracking ovulation, charting and making sure we did the baby dance every other day. I know that may not seem like a lot especially to those of you reading, that have struggled with infertility for years, but I took it as a sign. A sign that I was not supposed to be a mom at that time. I gave up trying and turned my focus elsewhere. I was going to open a salon, and get away from all those pregnant people. It hurt too much.
The funny thing with God is, you make plans, and He laughs at them. I was ready to sign papers to become a salon owner. We went to look at a house much smaller and cheaper then ours so that we would have the funds for me to start my business, we were ready to put an offer in on the house. The next day I decided to take a pregnancy test, more out of habit then anything. The past 4 months taking them obsessively as soon as I was 10 days past ovulation. I had given up trying, I was expecting it to be negative of course. To my shock and surprise there was a very faint pink line. I of course didn’t believe it so I just went on with my day and decided to take another one the next day. Well I did. The line was even brighter this time. I was pregnant. How did that happen? The results did not at all line up with my charting. There should be no way I was pregnant. But I was. It was mother’s day weekend. I wasn’t going to dread the day after all.
Now I know this is a quite personal post, and not usually what I post. The reason I am writing this is because miscarriage is so common. Way more common then I knew until I went through it. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends up in a miscarriage. When I finally did start to open up about it, I heard so many other women’s stories. It really encouraged me. So if with this post I can encourage someone else, who may be in a dark moment then it was worth getting personal. I know when I was going through it all, I scoured the internet for information and found groups of women on forums about trying to conceive our rainbow babies. I found help in the words of other women’s stories about their loss. It’s one of those things, that if you haven’t personally experienced it, you have no idea the hurt. You don’t know how when Dec.31 – Jan 7th -and August 12th(expected due date) roll around I still feel an ache in my heart. You don’t know how I purchased a necklace with the words “My forever angel baby” with his birthstone and little baby feet imprinted on it. You don’t know how I have a gladiola flower (birth month flower)tattoo, in his honour. I also plant these flowers in my gardens in abundance. You don’t know that I refer to the lost baby as a he, because I truly do believe it was a boy and that I named him Joshua, I did this because it helped me to grieve and have closure. You don’t know that whenever i see a hummingbird, I believe it’s God way of showing me, he is taking care of my angel. A sign. On Aug 12th for 4 years in a row I have seen a hummingbird when that is normally a rare sight for me. You don’t know that my husband resented me for a long time, because I wanted another baby so badly, and he would do everything, and anything to make me happy even though he wasn’t ready. You also don’t know that more recently, every day I thank God for that miscarriage, at the time I didn’t see it but now I know why it happened. For one I would not have the beautiful daughters I have now, and they are exactly who I was meant to be mommy to. I wouldn’t of been as good as a mom as I am now. That miscarriage made me realize how badly I wanted to be a mom, and to appreciate every moment of motherhood. Not to take any of it for granted. Our children are a gift. Life is precious. It helped me to not complain about the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the no time for me. I think I would of been a very different mother if it had not been for the loss of my first baby. Finally it helped draw me closer to the Lord.
God knows the plan. Everything, even the hurt is in His perfect plan for our lives.
The only part that is still hard for me was that, because it was my first, the innocence of blissful pregnancy was taken away. I lived in such fear with both my subsequent pregnancies. I truly thought that at every check up I would find out the baby had died. I even had nightmares about it. With my second it got even worse, it seemed too good to be true that I had two healthy daughters. Even after she was born, I expected that I would go in and check on her and she would be dead from sids. That part still scares me. I also know its not a logical way of thinking. God knows, and He will protect them. I don’t have anything to fear because He has already planned out my life. All I can do, is be the best mom I can be, and praise Him through the storms, and the sunshine. Love God, and Love and Serve Others. That’s the motto I try and live by these days, and my miscarriage has a very big part of that. I also know I will see my angel baby Joshua one day in heaven. That gives my heart peace. If you are struggling over the loss of little life, just know you are not alone. Seek support. It’s there in ways you may not know until you open up.