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Screaming in the night…

We have had our boys for 4 months today. Officially our longest foster care placement. We have court tomorrow, and we are not sure what the judge will order. Just another unknown. Will they be with us for March break? Will they be able to take the gymnastics class we signed up for? Should I register him for kindergarten?

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With our previous¬†foster children there was already a transition home by this point, we just started home visits, so that is a step in the direction of reunification, but the agency does not feel confident in returning the boys…yet. Too many factors, that I cannot get into.

As I reflect on these past 4 months, emotions overwhelm me. I have been real and honest with the fact that this has been our hardest placement yet. Somedays, I feel like I don’t want them here anymore. The turmoil, and frustration these boys have caused our family has been great. We have had many difficult days, where my patience is maxed, and I just want to cry (and do). You see, the thing is I refuse to raise asshole children, even if they are only mine to raise for a while. I expect children to be kind, gentle, get along and be respectful to others as well as property. I of course understand there will be good and bad days, and there is always teachable moments, but I refuse to be walked all over, and to feel out of control in my own home. Parenting kids with trauma is very different, and I really am only realizing how different with older foster children in our home, vs babies. We have more bad days then good…but oh the good ones are great. The good ones are reminders of grace, love, and truth.

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The good ones are when you go in for midnight check ins. When instead of hearing screams, and looks of terror on their faces in the nightmares they are having, you see sweet little smiles, cuddled up with stuffed animals, and even wakeful comments like “mommy I need a kiss and a hug to go back to sleep”.

The good ones are when grandmothers remind you of how far they have come, and how happy they seem. How eager they are to please, and feel the reward of my “foster mama” hug.

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The good ones are hours of happy play between 4 children. When the boys go to their big foster sisters for comfort from a fall, or navigating hurt feelings.

The good ones are lots of stickers on the “I did it” chart.

The good ones are “mommy I have so much fun living here” comments.

The good ones are the days where I feel like my heart will break when they go home.

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These boys, and the trauma and turmoil they brought into our home, have brought so much more than that. They turned our life upside down.

We will forever be better parents. We will forever be less judgemental of the kid freaking out in the grocery store. We will forever be able to navigate certain diagnoses a little better. We will forever be able to understand what it is like to be parents of rough and tumble, loud, want to wrestle, and be dirty all the time boys. Sweet boys. Boys that love to cuddle, and smile, and be filled with laughter. Our boys.

I am not sure how much longer their story will be intertwined with ours, but I will count each day as a blessing. I will practice my patience, and cherish the fact that there is no more screaming in the night.

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10 Comments on “Screaming in the night…

kage2015
02/27/2017 at 10:03 am

I commend you for being foster parents. I have several friends who fostered and ended up adopting the children. One family who already had 8 children adopted a family of 4 boys who lost their parents. Wonderful to see but I know there was and still is at times plenty of heartache.

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Kait
02/27/2017 at 1:39 pm

Wow! That is quite a commitment. So amazing that they added that many more children to their family. Thanks for leaving a comment!

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Nadalie (@nadaliebardo)
02/27/2017 at 2:05 pm

Hi Kait,

This is such a precious story to share. It’s so amazing that you are there for them when they needed someone. It’s so beautiful and selfless.

I hope to one day be a foster mother. It breaks me heart to hear that so many children don’t have a safe place to go when taken into foster care, as available homes are on the decline (here anyways).

It’s a great reminder to us all to be less judgemental of anyone we see because the truth is we don’t know what’s going on the inside.

Thank you for the afternoon reflection,

Nadalie, It’s All You Boo

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Kait
02/27/2017 at 2:10 pm

Thanks so much for your sweet reply. If it is something you feel like you want to do, I encourage you to pursue it! Fostering is the most rewarding thing I have ever done!

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thatnoiseismine
02/28/2017 at 6:59 am

What a beautiful family you are. It must be so difficult to open your hearts and home to those who are particularly troubled and then the unknowns as you say, to put in all that work and then have them taken away. I guess that’s the role of the foster parent though and that’s what makes you very special people to do this. Excellent work with these 3 boys.

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Kait
02/28/2017 at 8:57 am

Thank you for your kind words. Yes living in the unknown all the time is the hardest part!

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Kate AL
02/28/2017 at 9:38 am

I admire your strength as a foster family, as well as your ability to focus on the positives, even when things are hard. Every child who spends time in your home will be better for it.

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Kait
02/28/2017 at 1:20 pm

Thank you for your kind words. Things can get tough but it is so much tougher for them. I just have to remind myself of that and it makes what I am dealing with so much easier to manage.

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Danielle
02/28/2017 at 1:11 pm

I can only imagine how difficult and rewarding it fostering children, esp. those who are older. They have been through so much, and then being in foster care is still somewhat unknown.

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Kait
02/28/2017 at 1:19 pm

It is a lot for these kids have to have to deal with. Any time I am having a hard time I remember how much harder it is on them and it helps put things into perspective.

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