6 days ago, my worst nightmare happened.
Friday we had signed paperwork for the adoption of our foster daughter who we have since she was 1 day old and is now over 14 months old.
We felt so close to the end. This 3-year long journey of fostering was coming to an end (for now) with an adoption.
We wanted a child who needed a family to have a family. We put ourselves through this because kids deserve people that will do things like this.
Our daughter of our hearts was going to be ours officially. We just had one more court date to get through.
The lawyer was confident we would get our order and it would only be a matter of a few more months until everything was finalized.
I walked in and was blindsided. Kin stepped forward HOURS before court.
I was devestated, at a loss for words and just trying to hold it all together.
She doesn’t deserve this.
She deserves to stay in the only family she has ever known.
She deserves to grow up with her sisters that love her and dote on her every need. Who held her when she was a newborn, who helped her learn to crawl and walk, who take her down slides and push her on swings. Who pick out her outfits and wipe her nose. Sisters that love her so much.
She deserves an extended family who fights over who gets to hold her, who spoils her with clothes and toys, who babysit her and love her so much.
She deserves a mom who still gets up almost every night with her, loves her unconditionally, cuddled through the first few painful months of her life and provides her with every need. She deserves a mom that will never stop advocating for her. She deserves a mom who gave up a career to give her everything she deserves. Who takes her to every appointment, has soothed her from ever vaccination needle, food sensitivity and sensory issue. A mom who has mastered one handed cooking and cleaning because she prefers to be in her arms. A mommy who loves her so much.
She deserves a daddy who she has wrapped around her pinky finger. Who knows that when she sticks her head between his knees that means she wants to be picked up. A daddy that knows just how to hold her to ease any fussiness. A daddy that melts with her every smile. A daddy who loves her so much.
Parents that from the moment we knew about her chose her and choose to say yes every day since.
Every warning, every what if, every heartache. We say yes and we will continue to say yes.
She doesn’t deserve someone who knew about her for months, who choose to say no but now has changed their mind. Someone who doesn’t know a thing about her. Who hasn’t even see a picture of her. Someone who wants to take her from the only family she has ever known, who maybe somehow has a blood relation. Someone who will cause her unnecessary trauma. Who will make her wonder “where are my mom and dad? Where are my sisters? Why aren’t they coming back for me?”
The system is broken and I have no faith in it. But I have faith in our heavenly father who loves her more than we ever could. God can move mountains. He can, He will and even if he doesn’t. I trust the Lord and I have peace.
Tuesday I was broken. I was blindsided, confused and scared but joy comes in the morning and today I choose to enjoy every minute we have with her. Every smile, giggle and adorable waddle/walk.
I will imprint in my memory the way she looks when she sleeps, the way her right cheek dimples and her eyes disappear into a squint when she smiles. The way she cries anytime someone closes the gate at the top of our stairs.
I will imprint the way she throws everything and laughs, swipes the food off her high chair tray and the adorable way she struts around.
I will never forget and I pray I never have to.
If she goes, we know we gave her the best start and if she stays this is just another bump in the road. A deep dip in the roller coaster.
God has a purpose for everything. Even when we cannot see it. His ways are perfect and His timing is always right.
I have faith.
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