Fat. Such an ugly word that has so much negativity behind it. I am on a journey to losing weight, but my daughters will never hear that. Sometimes I have days of such deep self hatred for letting my body get to where it is. Not only because of vanity, and the pressure that society has on women these days, but because I am uncomfortable. Jeans dig into me, I’m constantly pulling down my shirt, and God forbid I allow my husband to touch my stomach. I have such a hatred for the extra pounds thats have accumulated around my waist and hips. It consumes my thoughts all day long. I know I will be happier if I was thinner. I will feel sexier, look better in clothes, and feel younger. I do believe this to be true. My daughters will not hear these words though.
I used to be a very confident person. Heck I could eat mcdonalds everyday and not gain a lb. I was athletic, I played basketball, volleyball, rugby and I did a lot of horse back riding. I am tall and hide weight well even when I do gain. I remember the first time I lost weight I was around 20 years old and after meeting and falling in love with my now husband, I gained closed to 40 lbs in one year. I was disgusted with myself. I remember some of the comments my mother made. Striving to please her, and have her praise me on losing weight, I went hard at the gym and ate next to nothing. Now don’t get me wrong my mom loves me very much, and never said things like to intentionally hurt me, but she has always made comments about my sisters and I’s weight. You see she is tall and thin and always has been. She has taken care of her body and has always exercised. She has never been overweight by any means, yet she always made comments about herself being “fat” in certain areas. She would pull at her barely existent muffin top and say how gross it was. Or say how flabby another area was. So when I gained that 40 lbs for the first time and no one called me “bones” (childhood nickname) anymore, I remember feeling that my mother must have been ashamed of me. It made me have this deep self hatred for any fat on my body, and I still struggle with body image, even now 10 years later. Now do not get me wrong I do not blame this on my mother, but I do believe some of the comments she made in my younger years attribute to how I feel about myself now.
My daughters are 3.5 and 5 and growing up in the epitome of societal pressure. With every instagram model, and you tuber they will watch, they will feel that pressure to be thin. With skinny teas, and waist trainers promoted every where, how can they not feel that skinny is a necessity to being loved and accepted? That is why they will not hear words or phrases putting down my weight, coming from my mouth. My daughter poked at my belly a few months back and said “mom you are squishy” and I replied “I sure am sweetie, God put you in my belly and you grew in there, and then you sister grew in there and now that you are here in my arms my belly is squishy and sad you aren’t in there anymore” she looked at me, and I could tell she was thinking and processing what I had just said, she then replied “it is so cool that babies grow in mommy’s bellies” and I said “it sure is sweetie, it is so so cool. Our bodies are amazing!” The “squishiness” was not even a thought in her head anymore. I turned that moment into a teachable moment about how amazing women’s bodies are.
You see I am on a journey to a thinner me, but not only because of my negative body image, but because I wan to be healthy, and fit and active with my daughters. I want to climb mountains with them, and have races at the park. I want to teach them sports, and self love, and have us all learn to surf together. I want to lose the weight because I do not feel like myself, and I want to feel confident once again. Most of all I want them to know how amazing, and beautiful they are, no matter what they look like, or what size they might be. I want them to know God created them perfectly and they should love themselves always, no matter what. I want them to know that taking care of yourself, and eating healthy, and exercising is just something that needs to be done, not to look a certain way but to take care of the body we have been given. After all we only get one. They will also know life is meant to be lived, and food is meant to be enjoyed and their is nothing wrong with eating brownies!
So one day maybe they will read my blog and know how I feel, and know how I struggled with my weight, and how it made me feel about myself. Until then all they will know is how beautiful they are, and that shapes, and sizes hold no value. They will be celebrated no matter what the size tag on their clothing is, and they will be deeply and confidently loved. They will know they are beautiful and the word fat doesn’t apply to anything but pigs on the farm.